bilbored
Let’s have a debate says an editorial in Saturdays Globe and Mail. Ok lets but just what is it that this writer wants to debate? The current emergence of same sex weddings as an issue in the USA is anything but debate. It has become without a doubt a political hot button issue. One I’m sure both Democrats and Republicans would wish, would just go away. The far right, conservative and religious elements are not debating at all they have a very firm opposition to gay rights of any sort and seem to think they have an exclusive domain on that term "family values" and marriage. The Gay and Lesbian community are challenging what they belief to be unconstitutional laws and archaic definitions of marriage. The courts here at home and in many jurisdictions in the USA have repeatedly stated that there is no evidence and no reason why persons of the same gender should not marry and have also ruled on many occasions that local state / provincial laws are in fact a violation of human rights as stated by our charter of rights and the american constitution. One of the founding principles of both these documents are to protect minority rights. Minority rights are just that the rights of a small group of individuals to be protected from being trampled on by a larger majority. Our courts and their independence are the venue in our democratic societies for judgement to be passed on the justness of our laws. The courts are in theory above politics without prejudice and free of ignorance. In Canada our lawmakers have gone to the courts to seek an opinion on the status of the current laws before entering in to any debate pro or con in parliament. Lets get the facts first then debate. In the USA quite the opposite is occurring politicians and lawmakers are lashing out in the name of political expediency, ignorance and pressure from special interest groups and are completely ignoring the rights of a minority who are for the most part trying to use the courts to further there constitutional rights. There is plenty of debate going on amongst individual citizens everywhere. There is no debate going on at official levels. Only reactionary panic in the USA. I for one am glad that here in Canada we calmly await the Supreme Courts decision before entering what should be informed debate and so avoid the hurtful mud slinging and panicky spectacles as seen South of the border....Bill
Three days in row with sunshine and above freezing temperatures the snow banks are getting smaller and smaller and lawn is reappearing it is even green against the South side of the house. A nice contrast to the increasingly ugly brown drifts street side. I got the lube out today and gave my bikes a good going over. I have two bikes. My old beater bike that I use for work and my good touring bike for inter city travel, shopping etc.. The bike racks at our three theatres are all subject to a considerable amount of theft. It seems that a favourite past time for the criminal youth is to steal bikes from town and then sell them on to the many migrant workers from the Caribbean, who come up here to work the orchards and vine yards in our area. I have lost three good bikes that way even though locked up. So I now buy rusty old second hand bikes put them in good running order but leave them looking like crap. I seldom even have to worry weather they are locked or not. Other peoples flashier bikes will go first. It was nice to bike the 5 km to Virgil to shop at my favourite grocery store (Now there is a sign of middle age I have a favourite grocery store, where I use to have a favourite pub.) and not freeze my assets off. It is also nice not to get those “ look at that poor crazy bastard on the bike” looks from the passing drivers. There is nothing like a good 10 km bike ride to assuage the guilt of doing absolutely nothing constructive tonight which is, what I have planned for the evening. Alas Saturday night and dateless again….Bill
In an attempt to update my links something went wrong. Again! I don't know it all seemed straight forward. I am beginning to suspect that there is some errant code left over from my problems at Christmas that I just can't recognize. I have decided to drop the links untill I find the problem in my template....Bill
Political cartoonist Mark Fiore has created a flash animation called
"The Gay Agenda Revealed" that finally reveals the terrifying truth about the so called gay agenda and what I think many gay and lesbian persons ultimately wish for. I regularly view his cartoons at the Village Voice online edition they are insightful and always entertaining whatever your political stripe. You will need a flash player and audio to view his work....Bill
A definite hint of spring in the air today with temperatures above zero the snow is quickly melting in the sun which has at last some warmth to it. A few early daffodils are beginning to push up at the east side of the house. Inside the green house the longer warmer days are starting to perk up some of the tropicals which have been languishing in the cool dark days of the last three months. And I am rewarded with an orchid all budded up. It is of the paphiopedilum tribe unfortunately its label has faded so I will have to wait for full bloom before I can make a complete identification. I have moved it into the house where I expect to get a good three months bloom from it; after a two year wait since it last bloomed for me.
I dreamed last night about a Special Guy and for one brief moment when I woke,
I thought my arms were around you. Warm and safe, then in a flash gone.
I was not sad or in pain just wondering when it could all come true.-Bill
The winds of spring
Scattered the flowers
As I dreamt my dream.
Now I awaken,
My heart is disturbed.
-priest saigyo
I was reading Zen poetry before I went to sleep last night is it any wonder?....Bill
Are our governments suffering from cabin fever? I don’t know what else to think when so many governments seem to be running off the rails these days. The federal Liberals caught in a quagmire with the sponsorship scandal. Strange new allegations about the old Conservative party, Mulroney and the air bus scandal rearing its ugly head again. New scandals at the provincial level involving the former government and Ontario Hydro or I should say Hydro One now. You can’t imagine how shocked I am to hear about corruption and Hydro One. South of the border Bush comes out with a firm stance against same sex marriage by proposing a constitution amendment to ban it and in one fell swoop the days of “Jim Crowe” are revived and human rights are set back a full generation or more. Over in the UK Tony Blair and his government are obsessed with some trivial school tuition fee battle. Surely our governments have some thing better to do. Perhaps they might like to consider looking after the welfare of the citizens who put them in office by addressing more important matters such as health care and job creation and faltering economies. Here in Canada like the USA we will in the near future be going to the polls to elect a new government with many polls reporting that voter cynicism is at an all time high you would think that our politicians would be concentrating on the very serious and very real threats to our welfare and security. Have our politicians lost there sense of what is important to the electorate or are they just throwing up these smoke screen issues in order to divert us from the fact that they are completely over whelmed by the very serious problems facing us both at home and abroad? I know I am no mood for an election now or in the near future and fear I will be forced to intentionally spoil my ballot rather support any of our current political parties. If that is not a sad situation what is probably worst are the many apathetic voters who will just stay at home and not bother to vote at all. Sad days indeed for our democracies…..Bill
A little jet lagged but mostly tired I’m back from London. After a very short week I have managed to cram in a very large dose of culture and a whole lot of walking through a city very much in the throws of early spring, Cherry blossoms and Daffodils are in full bloom. It was a bit of a shock to have to shovel snow today after walking on green grass yesterday. So what did I do. Well I didn’t go to the theatre that would have been too much of a busman’s holiday. I did however listen to some very good music at St. James, Piccadilly one of three Wren Churches that I visited . I also visited St. Paul’s, Covent Garden the actors church where many of the greats of the English theatre are memorialized. I visited a whole host of museums and galleries doing about two a day with frequent visits to the royal parks to clear my head and to think about what I have just seen. After several hundred years as one of the great empires the British have successfully gathered the best of the best in art and cultural artefacts. They have all this loot stored away in three of the worlds finest museums. The British Museum, The National Gallery and The Victoria & Albert. I have now visited these three more then 4 times each. Still I have not taken them all in. In new cutting edge art; Olafur Eliasson’s The Weather Project, installation in the massive turbine hall at the Tate Modern was worth the trip alone.
I had a transit card for the underground but like last year I never used it. I love to walk and find I can discover small interesting and real neighbour hoods that you would not find otherwise by transiting between one place and another, such as the saxophone player under a bridge by the Regents canal or the chatty East Indian women who served up hot Chai from her snack bar in a small Southwark market. I wandered through Soho and got cruised on Old Compton Street. (the heart of London’s gay ghetto) I rode the London Eye which was hideously expensive and also surprisingly fun and is enjoyed by Londoners and tourists alike. With every thing so expensive I ate prepared meals from Sainsbury’s or Tesco’s (Supermarkets) back at my hotel not only was it cheaper it just felt better. Eating lunch alone at a café is one thing but dinner for one at a restaurant is for me not a happy experience a meal out should be a shared event. Dinner for one is just too lonely.
What were the highlights? Other then some great art and sophisticated culture, or the newly restored King’s Library at the British Museum or the dynamic views from the Golden jubilee foot bridges over the Thames. Well being mistaken several times for a Londoner and able to provide directions when asked by another Londoner was, rather cool. The low point as such is the high cost of everything, still a small price to pay in what even now remains the most significant city in the English speaking world.
I bought too many books and wore out a pair of my favourite Converse runners and I have overdosed on old masters, ancient artefacts and historic buildings. Soon the 6 day work weeks begins and time is no longer my own until November. I can’t wait to go back again. That old cliché still rings true; “He who tires of London, tires of life”….Bill
I've gone to London.
See you next week....Bill
Tomorrow I am leaving for
London am I ready? Of course not. Well except I have a sharp new haircut and I have picked out all my clothes; well like twice already. I have some priorities. Other then that nothing else is ready. I’ve had other important things to do like send E-mails to the Prime Minister about the latest scandal in Ottawa. Send an E-mail to Lindquist who chose comments of mine to include in his op-ed piece at
365 Gay.com He chose ten E-mails of the 500 he received on an article about compromise. I am pleased to have been chosen. My comments are the ones with the uncorrected grammar / typo error that he drew attention to instead of fixing (harrumph) but that is not why I wrote him back.
I sent another condolence E-mail to a friend who just had a parent die. This is the second time in the past month that I have had to send this type of E-mail and I am not sure I am entirely comfortable responding in this medium. Yes it is better then a mass market card. I could not go in person as both individuals live out of town. I have this pathological hatred of phones for anything other then strictly business, forget the chit chat please and get to the point remember I am a Virgo. And voice mail is just not on thank you very much. I know I can express myself sufficiently in writing, so at least an E-mail are my thoughts and feelings. Perhaps it is just my age that suggests that some how an E-mail is second class to a card beautifully written with nice calligraphy and all. Were I capable of it, I probably would not get in done in sufficient time anyways. So I justify my E-mail. It may not be the best response but it is something.
The cats want food and so do I, there is packing to do and the house to get ready for the minder who is looking after the cats the plants and the green house and I would rather blog and write letters. I fear it is a fix. I will be depraved all week, Oops deprived all week of internet, blogs, online media and all. It will just be too expensive over there too even check my E-mail; before you know it an hour will have passed online and I will not have even botherd to check my E- mail and can now no longer afford dinner or the pub. Ackk! Depraved & Deprived Oh what a fine line. Later….Bill
I have been casting about the past couple of days for a way to frame a Valentines day theme blog. I still do not have a clear focus of where this entry is going other then I wanted an upbeat and positive tone to prevail. Lord knows I’ve spent many a day here as dark as night. But that is not today.
In the past Mike and I pretty well dismissed this day as a Hallmark holiday barely worth notice at all. We were almost always some where in Mexico and often in Mexico City at this time of year. The Mexicans are big on romance and St. Valentines and his day are whole heartily celebrated. Between the Zocalo ( main square ) and the Mercado Merced ( an extremely large food market ) lies Zona Papel. This is the paper district and it is blocks of greeting cards, wrapping paper and any sort of gift item that is even remotely related to paper. They are a savvy lot these merchants and are quick to exploit every holiday to the max. As are the street vendors who are prepared to sell you anything you can imagine related to the current holiday or not. The whole neighbourhood has a very festive atmosphere no matter what time of year and the streets are always full of shoppers in search of the genuine bargains that can be found in the markets along side black market CD’s and rip off copies of the latest clothing or toy fad. I always enjoy walking through these neighbour hoods. The crass commercialism is so honest and up front the holiday spirit of the shoppers is entirely infectious. I have been known to spend a few Pesos myself on holiday finery in this market. Visiting these markets was probably as close as Mike and I got to acknowledging these holidays. But just being there together was for us more important then any one holiday could represent.
Today at Brent’s blog
Cop Talk he mentioned an E-mail he received and wrote an entry about the amazement of this cyber community and the ability of individuals thousands of miles away, who some how come together and make genuine contact. I too am amazed at the number of people I have made contact with all around the world. Individuals who have things in common with me and others who have very little in common. Some times I just read, sometimes I comment, some I visit more often then others. Although I probably won’t meet most of my fellow Bloggers in person I will keep bumping into them as I venture out into this cyber zone. Like the Zona Papel each of us enters this neighbour market looking for different things. Still a common theme prevails and an overriding theme seems to be to make genuine contact with other individuals. To share our lives with others. Love? Love exists in many forms and can be shared in many ways. To me that is the greater message of St. Valentines Day….Bill
Here is a Poem by the 13th century poet Rumi. I offer it up with dual purpose.
I filled the garden with candles tonight,
set the table with wine and sweets
and called the musicians.
How I wish that you could be here!
Valentines day tomorrow....................Sigh.............. ....Bill
Do you want a short winter holiday? How about a quick trip to Thailand. My niece, who is currently teaching in Japan has written a splendid piece about her 2 week trip to Thailand. She captured the atmosphere of Bangkok nicely and instantly took me back to my last sojourn there. I am proud of both her insight and her writing style and just a little bit jealous that she is there and I am here.
Here is the link.
Alanna in Japan goes to Thailand….Bill
February is Heart and Stroke month.
According to the Canadian Heart And Stroke Foundation;
Fat is the New Tobacco.
So butt out eh!
....Bill
Many of the renovated production work areas backstage are now nearing there final stages of completion. They are now being fitted out with there cabinetry. The spaces are many and varied and include everything from fairly standard stuff in the props prep kitchen, wardrobe shops, print shops and mail rooms to a little more custom in the boots, shoes & accessories shop and the wig and hair construction shop. Are they fancy custom made architect designed stuff? As is just about everything else in this project. Uh ah! A great big truck pulled up one day and dropped off hundreds of boxes from where else but IKEA!
I just can't keep this great big shit eating grin off my face as I watch all these beefy construction guys in hard hats and work boots all over the place struggle with instruction sheets and argue over how to assemble this stuff. They just looked so married as they worked together. If only they new; IKEA is Swedish for Gay!....Bill
Forty years ago today I sat in my Cowboy & Indian PJ’s cross legged in front of our tiny black and white Zenith TV. It was a special night and I was allowed to stay up late to watch The Ed Sullivan Show. Why ? Because the Beatles were making their North American TV debut. With this song….Bill
SHE LOVES YOU YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
SHE LOVES YOU YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
SHE LOVES YOU YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
YOU THINK YOU´VE LOST YOUR LOVE
WELL I SAW HER YESTERDAY
IT´S YOU SHE´S THINKING OF
AND SHE TOLD ME WHAT TO SAY
SHE SAYS SHE LOVES YOU
AND YOU KNOW THAT CAN´T BE BAD
SHE LOVES YOU
AND YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD BE GLAD
SHE SAID YOU HURT HER SO
SHE ALMOST LOST HER MIND
BUT NOW SHE SAYS SHE KNOWS
YOU´RE NOT THE HURTING KIND
SHE SAYS SHE LOVES YOU
AND YOU KNOW THAT CAN´T BE BAD...
SHE LOVES YOU YEAH, YEAH, YEAH...
YOU KNOW IT´S UP TO YOU
I THINK IT´S ONLY FAIR
PRIDE CAN HURT YOU TOO
APOLOGIZE TO HER
BECAUSE SHE LOVES YOU
AND YOU KNOW THAT CAN´T BE BAD
SHE LOVES YOU
AND YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD BE GLAD
SHE LOVES YOU YEAH,YEAH,YEAH...
Tonight I saw
The Station Agent directed by Tom McCarthy at The Brock University film society. Here is a brief synopsis as provided by the film makers.
Finbar McBride (Peter Dinklage) is a man trying to live life on his own terms. Looking only to be left alone, he takes up residence in an rural town's old train depot. But much like the station agents that occupied small town depots before him, he finds himself reluctantly becoming enmeshed in the lives of his neighbors, especially Olivia (Patricia Clarkson), a forty-year-old artist struggling with the break up of her marriage, and Joe (Bobby Cannavale) a thirty-year-old with a talent for cooking and an insatiable hunger for conversation - whether anyone wants to talk to him or not.
The Station Agent is about three people with nothing in common, except their shared solitude, until chance circumstances bring their lives together. Before long, from this forgotten depot, this mismatched threesome forges an unlikely bond, which ultimately reveals that even isolation is better shared.-Sen Arts Films
The central theme is an exploration of solitude, solitude as a defense mechanism. The principal character Fin is a dwarf. He describes himself thus.
“It’s really funny how people see me and treat me, since I’m really just a simple, boring person.” He is completely obsessed with trains and that is all that seems to interest him and of course everyone else just sees his height and not much else in him. He faces discrimination by choosing isolation. A lonely solution. It is the gregariousness of Joe that brings these three together in the aptly name town of Newfoundland where each alone and hurting in there own ways bond together and eventually learn to reconnect with life. There is not a lot of plot or a lot of action. A well crafted script, tight dialogue and quiet humour is more then enough to keep our interest. Without doubt it is Peter Dinklage bringing his own life experience to this film that moves us from ordinary to extraordinary. The subtly of his performance inspires the whole tone of this film. There is not one false step in this film. One or two plot surprises do nothing more then further cement the principal themes. For all the seriousness, I can’t hesitate in saying in the best Hollywood tradition “This is a feel good movie” and has many very funny moments. You will leave the theatre not only smarter but well entertained….Bill
Whilst out visiting other Blogs today I could not help noticing a few common themes. Discrimination, and depression seemed to be subjects of interest lately. I should say; that this has been at Blogs where the author is gay. I have read through a spectrum of age ranges and observed an interesting selection of view points on what it is like to be gay. The common thread has always been the weariness of senseless discrimination. Hurtful remarks in chat rooms. Politicians and mainly in the USA who spout off viewpoints on all manner of “gay ” subjects that in the rest of the western world would have them either sanctioned or drummed out of their party as indeed was a politician here in Canada just yesterday. For saying the government was wrong to decriminalise homosexual acts (many years ago) and this was our most right wing political party at that.
I fear to even touch on the subject of the damage that organised religion has caused. But I can’t help pointing fingers at the Roman Catholic Church in particular. Some of the comments coming out of Rome and confirmed by local diocese’ on marriage and not just gay marriage, birth control and safe sex are positively criminal and were it not for strong protection of religious freedoms in our Charter of Rights and Freedoms (for which I strongly support) they would certainly be guilty of hate crimes in this country. It is hypocritical of our churches to hide behind the Charter and continue to propagate hate in the name (their view) of God. That to me is not what I would call practising religious freedom.
One blog I read daily spoke today on the subject of “normal” coupled with the theme of depression and general sadness in life. I knew what he meant instantly it was a kind of ennui that many thinking gay men live with daily. It comes from the constant and ongoing grinding down of your soul by a society that may except you but keeps you firmly on the fringes. Not always on purpose but in a never ending string of “straight” values and assumption that are part of every day life that bombard you constantly. For example: I answer my Phone, “Is Mrs. or Mr…… there”. The endless string of ads with their happy families or perfect straight couples. Or filling out a form and describing my status as “other” I am not an other. I want to belong. These are just a few of the minor instances that constantly remind you that you are an outsider.
There are many of us who have experienced hate and discrimination in more overt ways. I have. I have been assaulted twice where I have needed medical attention. I have also been attacked in my home. This duo one night decided to rid the town of the “fags” from The Shaw. We were the last stop on a multiple home attack and the only one to call our less then sympathetic police who only placed charges of unlawful entry because the perpetrators confessed on the scene to busting the door down. The charges for Assault, Uttering death threats, D.W.I. and Trespass, all magically disappeared. My neighbour of 23 years has never spoken to me. She is afraid she would catch AIDS if she or her kids came too near the back fence and she has said so load and clear. I have been spat at had things thrown at me from moving cars and have suffered all manner of spoken abuse and subtle exclusions.
Now I am fairly sure many gay men will have experienced one or more incidents like this and certainly some, far worst then I have. My point is not to elicit sympathy but to point out that even in our supposedly more liberal times many of us have and still do experience discrimination of some sort on a daily basis. It is no wonder so many gay men suffer from constant low grade depressions and sadness’. We all reach out in many ways to overcome this. Some through sex, drugs and alcohol use .Many through creative endeavours or public service .Some retreat into a gay world never crossing paths with “straights.” Many just stay hidden in a “closet.” Some seek counselling or the church or even attempt to convert to “straight” a term in itself that seeks to separate us. “Straight ahead”, “Straight and narrow”, “Straight up”, not for us were “Queer.” We all seek our own individual paths to overcome the constant attacks on our self esteem and sadly many fail to succeed. For some death is the only way out. And that is tragic indeed. Even at the happiest times of my life there is always that place inside where doubt casts its shadow on my self worth and says you will never belong and that is a source of ennui and I expect that is so for many others too....Bill
And here is the sum total of my exciting life today. I went out for bread and milk and came back with $200.00 worth of groceries. Were my cupboards bare? No. There is enough found and drink to last until spring in this house including food for the cats. I just can’t resist a sale. I have picked up that maritime habit to hoard food, from guess who. Oh well there is a winter storm coming at least I won’t starve, if say I can’t get out until, like June….Bill
My Friend Kirk sent me this yesterday I thought I would share this as they are all as disturbing as they are funny....Bill
THE 2003 STELLA AWARDS
Once again, it's time to review the winners of the Annual Stella Awards.
The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee
on herself & successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella
Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.
Unfortunately, the most recent lawsuit implicating McDonalds & the teens
who allege that eating at McDonalds has made them fat, was filed after the
2002 award voting was closed. This suit will, undoubtedly, top the 2003
awards list.
5th place (tied)
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of
her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running
inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably
surprised! at the verdict, considering the misbehaving toddler was Ms
Robertson's son.
5th place (tied)
19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles, California, won $74,000 &
medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Mr. Truman apparently did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal the hubcaps.
5th place (tied)
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had
just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the
garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He
could not re-enter the house because the door connecting the house &
garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family were on vacation & Mr.
Dickson found himself locked in the garage for 8 days. He subsisted on a
case of Pepsi he found & a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the house
owners insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish.
The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
4th place
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 & medical
expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's
Beagle dog. The Beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The
award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been
a little provoked at the time, as Mr. Williams who had climbed over the
fence into the yard, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
3rd place
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster,
Pennsylvania, $113,500, after she slipped on a soft drink & broke her
coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had
thrown it at! her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
2nd place
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, sued the owner of a night club in a
neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor &
knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred whilst Ms. Walton was
trying to crawl through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the
$3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 & dental expenses.
1st Place
This year's runaway winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City,
Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new Winnebago Motor Home. On his
trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, he set
the cruise control at 70 mph & calmly left the driver's seat to go into
the back & make himself a cup of coffee.
Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed & then overturned.
Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him, by reading the owner's
manual, that he actually could not do this. The jury awarded him
$1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago Motor Home. The company actually changed
their manuals on the basis of this suit just in case there were any other
complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.
We had a small fire at the Festival Theatre yesterday, just to add to the chaos and confusion of the ongoing construction. A light fixture blew a transformer producing acrid smoke on the third floor administration level. They got to go home early while the air was cleared the rest of us had additional entertainment at an extended afternoon break then back to work with a pounding headache from all the noise and smell.
Next week I have to attend a two day seminar about Fall Arrest. This is an upgrade seminar about working safely at heights. Something we do a lot of in the electrics department I am often referred to as monkey boy, by the Technical Directors for my ability and desire to climb just about any thing. So monkey boy gets to spend two whole days in a room full of guys with plenty of ropes and harness’. How hard is that to take? And I get paid too!
I confirmed my trip to the U.K. today for later this month. YAY! London. Here I come for a nice big dose of big city fun….Bill
Coromandel Coast Dream
I dreamed I was a man;
Cowering and afraid.
I dreamed I was a hawk;
soaring and free.
I dreamed I was a hawk;
my lover and me.
We soared above the people
Trapped below in a cage.
Rangers of the forest;
in love and free.
They didn’t know below;
trapped in their cage,
with pretence and greed,
That there above the ground;
Two lovers flew, free and soaring.
Home to roost with a wing around me;
I dreamed I was a hawk soaring and free.
….Bill
Hmm. A necessary slap in on the side of the head. Thank you Brent and Patrick even the news paper this morning decided to say the same thing. First the thought of the day.
"Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out." -Vaclav Havel-Globe& Mail
And then my horoscope for today,
Your solar chart reveals that you have nothing to fear and everything to look forward to. Why then do you seem so determined to take a negative view of everything that happens? Perhaps this is the right time to warn you that when you think bad thoughts bad things have a strange way of coming about. A smile never hurt anyone.- Globe & Mail
All true of course. However I can’t just jump off the cliff without either safety net or parachute and it will take time to reconstruct the many years of my life so far, to discharge responsibilities, to unburden the unwanted possessions of an old life. To ensure that what is valuable here has not been left behind., and to reconstitute my own inner strength. And that is why I think I need one more year. I have come to this realization this weekend that this is what I have to do. I didn’t want to believe it really but now I Know it is true. I still might whine a bit, but you’ll let know. Won’t you?....Bill
Yesterday I wrote I was feeling blue. Today I feel the same except the reason is more apparent . It only took a small chain of events to set me off yesterday. Perhaps a reflection of how very on edge I still am. The day started with a rather curt (not deliberate but just efficient, from some one on the road) E-mail saying they would not be in London this month when I plan to visit. Later I went to my Mom and Dad’s to visit and do the few small chores that always await me there. Usually this involves the resetting of some electronic device that has mysteriously become miss programmed, with fingers pointed clearly at each other by my parents. I saw a Special Guy he drove by me as I walked to my parents. He did not see me. That was Ok. He looked tired. In that brief drive by. I wondered if there would ever be room for me in his apparently well ordered life. My Mom and Dad were in one their lets talk about all the sick and dying people we know moods and then progressed on to the topic of me going away. If you read my post of the other day you should know they brought up all the reasons I had mentioned as current negatives, and tried to put them forward as reasons to go to a resort of all places and why not take your Mom with you my Dad helpfully suggested. It was clearly time for me to go.
I have become the dutiful middle aged homo living in a small town. Looking after aged parents and infirm neighbours. Living quietly and comfortably in my own home. Secure in my employment, with many acquaintances and a few good friends. Yet I am utterly alone. I fear to become jaded and bitter as I begin to resent what life has become. Just as it is not my fault for what has happened. It is, entirely up to me to bring about change. The status quo maybe safe but is not what I want.
In short these are my choice’s. I will stay here one more year. If things remain essentially the same, then I must find the courage to pack up and move to a city if I truly want change. A classic midlife crisis ? Well no. Circumstances have brought change and now the direction of the ongoing change is recumbent on me. To find the strength and the will to resist outside pressure and internal fears in order to demolish the present and rebuild anew is the challenge I face. I am not ready to do that yet. I have neither the strength nor the will and I am feeling down because of that. In order to find happiness I have to leave behind all that has been safe and familiar and I do resent that. Fate has never been kind….Bill
